life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
