If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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