I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
