My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
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he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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