You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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