okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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