Got a toothbrush?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
