highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
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I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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