They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
