And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
