I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
