Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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