FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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