Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just cropdusted the office
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
