Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
