I heard we made out
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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