I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
