So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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