even my farts smell like vagina
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
