Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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