I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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