you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
