Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
