his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
