Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
