My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
