Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He felt like a one man threesome
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
