I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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