from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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