i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you inspire me to be a worse person
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
