We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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