I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
