i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
