so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
