He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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