OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people