he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions