Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom