i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
