I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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