You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
