I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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