whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
