Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
