Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
