Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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