On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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