woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
