if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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