So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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