Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
