The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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