Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
