70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
