Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
