Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
