no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
